My baby

My baby will turn 8 in just over a week. I'm not even sure how that happened. I can remember different times throughout my life when one parent or the other would say "It seems like it was only yesterday when you were born!" I always thought they sounded so stupid. I mean, I have been through it all too, and trust me, I did not grow up in the blink of an eye. Quite the opposite. Time crawled by so slowly that at times... like that last week before my 16th birthday.... where I was certain that time had completely stopped. Surely I was stuck in some strange time loop and my birthday would never come.

Two short years later (although they didn't feel short at that time) I gave birth to my first child. Just one month shy of my 18th birthday I became a mother and then it happened. Instead of crawling along at a snail's pace, suddenly life was whipping by at 200+ mph like it's the final lap of the Daytona 500. 13 hours and 40 minutes of labor seemed to stretch on for all of eternity and then after hearing three small words, the next 11 years have passed by in the blink of an eye.

Suddenly I understood what my parents had meant all those years all all it took was three small words. The first time I heard them 11 years ago it was "It's a girl!" Then again 8 years ago when I heard "It's a boy!" How is it possible that I just had to go bra shopping for that precious pink bundle that they just handed me moments ago? (It has to have been moments....not years) How could it be that my little baby boy they handed to me all wrapped in blue is now nearly as tall as I am? How is it possible that they have grown so fast? And how do I slow time down again so that I can keep them safe in the cocoon that is my home?

Well, scratch that.

I guess I don't have a job after all. At least not yet. The place where I was supposed to start next week decided they didn't have room on the schedule after all (one of the people they thought was leaving actually isn't) so I am just out of luck. I am going to Matt's company tomorrow and applying for a job there. We would be in different departments but our shifts would be similar enough that I could ride with him and the guys he carpools with. The money is great, especially for this area and it would REALLY help us to save up the money for fertility treatments or for adoption or both.

If you pray, please pray that I can get this job. We really need something and this is just about the only place that is hiring now. The benefit of all this is that now I won't be starting work before the kids leave for the summer. I will get to enjoy the last few days with them. I didn't want to give up that time, and honestly I was dreading going back to Pizza Hut. I think this other job would be a much better option for our family. We would both be working during the day (most likely) and be home with the kids in the evening.

School's out!

Today was the kids' last day of school. Of course even that couldn't happen without a little bit of drama. Not here anyway. lol Sierra got home and dug her report card out of her bookbag and found that they have given her the wrong one. I called the school and had to drive over and pick up her report card and return the one for the other little boy. Her grades weren't great, but they were mostly good. She has a 3.2 GPA. Will had a 4.0 again. He maintained that all year.

I have the kids until the 13th of June. They leave that day for 8 weeks with their father. The break is nice for 2-3 days, and then I HATE the rest of the summer. Of course this year with going back to work and moving into the new house and everything we'll be doing with that this year will probably pass a little more quickly then the past years have. At least I hope it does.

On the TTC front, AF showed up today and I'm getting pretty frustrated. I don't know what to think at the moment. Matt keeps changing the rules of the game on me. First he didn't want to do IUI or IVF. I decided to look into adoption and have been doing some research and getting pretty excited about that. Now he has decided that we need to try a few rounds of IUI with clomid and at least one round of IUI with injectibles and if none of that works move on to IVF before we consider adoption. And he wants to start IUI as early as January. We have to wait until then because first we have to take a few things. Pay off a few small debts and then I have to travel to West Virginia to get my things out of my storage unit. I hope to do that in September or October and then I want to wait until after the holidays until starting IUI. The first few rounds will be with Clomid and it doesn't like me very well. I don't want to be dealing with the side effects (or making anyone else deal with me) during the holidays.

Hopefully it works quickly and we have a healthy baby and can then adopt soon too. I want a large family and I can't go through this every time I am ready to have another baby.

Holidays

Holidays are always hard on me. Between my 6 miscarriages and losing my dad (all in the past 3 years) I have a hard time with holidays period, but Memorial Day is my Dad's favorite holiday (and mine too) so it's one of the harder ones. Add in the fact that I had to cancel my long awaited vacation and this weekend was just destined to be a bad one.

Last Sunday they announced that they were going to be doing a dedication service this week for one of the new babies in the church. I love church. I love babies. I usually love dedication services but this one I had been dreading since they announced it. Then I woke up this morning and I'm spotting. No doubt about it, AF is going to be making her appearance tomorrow or the next day right on time. So I am ovulating late, have a short LP again, I'm out yet another month.....and I skipped church this morning. There was NO WAY I could sit through a dedication service today. I just don't have the strength.

We are going to the lake later for a cookout with friends. Their 4 year old is convinced there is a baby in my belly. I actually let that get my hopes up for this cycle. I should have realized it was just because she has a 6 month old brother. Or because I am fat. That's probably more like it. I carry my weight around my hips and stomach and I've really let myself go, so I guess if I was honest I probably do look pregnant. Especially to a 4 year old. I'm going to be working really hard to change that starting Tuesday. Tomorrow we are doing hamburgers on the grill and potato salad and stuff like that so I am going to enjoy the cookouts and then I am going to throw myself back into diet and exercise and get this weight off once and for all.

Once AF starts in force I am going to be taking my prenatal and my folic acid still. I am also adding my B6 back in for the LP and trying vitex. It's supposed to regulate your cycle and help you ovulate earlier. I've heard great things about it and I ordered it a few months ago but ehen never started it. Now I am going to try it. Hopefully it helps. Even if it just relieves some of my AF cramping and my PMS symptoms I'll consider it a success. (It is suppose to do all that.)

How

I know that there are people out there that have been trying much longer than I have. I know that there are people who have gone through so much more than I have on this journey. What I don't know is how they do it. The past three years has taken so much out of me and turned me into a very bitter and angry person. I don't know how to change that either. I don't like it, but I can't change it. Right now should be one of the happiest time in my life. I mean....we are buying our first home I made it to one of my big goals. Homeowner before the age of 30. I did it, and I should be happy. Instead, all I can think about is the fact that I still don't have a baby yet. At least not here with me. I have six babies in heaven.

I feel broken and I don't know how to fix it. The doctors say it's just bad luc and that it likely won't happen again, but then it does. It happens again every single time and they can't tell me why. There is no reason that has been found (yet anyway). All my tests are normal so far so there is nothing I can do to "fix" the problem.I don't know how to deal with that. When there is a problem I want to know what it is and how to fix it so that I can do whatever it takes to correct the problem. When noone can tell me how to do that, I don't know....it seems impossible to deal with. I am terrified to keep trying because I am so afraid that I am going to just continue to have one miscarriage after another, and I really think even one more might push me over the edge. I am just as afraid to stop trying though because I don't know that I can face never having another baby. Yes, I have two great kids, and I am forever grateful for them, but I really thought I would have a housefull of babies by now. Then I survived infidelity and a divorce that put those plans on hold for a while and now that I have found someone else, now I am struggling with something I didn't even know existed.

Secondary Infertility

How can you be infertile when you have already had kids? How is it that your body just forgets how to stay pregnant? Getting pregnant isn't a problem. I've proven that. 6 pregnancies in 3 years proves that getting pregnant definitely isn't an issue. Staying that way is a whole different story though. I guess it's time to try to do more research. Find more information to print off....more tests to have the doctor run. I should have went to medical school! Then I could just order my own tests and not have to pay obsene amounts of money to my reproductive endocrinologist.

Remembering my babies

One thing about my miscarriages that has always bothered me is that people seem to think that you should get over a miscarriage in very little time. If I had been further along, there could have been a funeral and a headstone and a place to go to remember my babies. Because I don't have anyplace like that (at the moment anyway) I decided that for Memorial Day I was going to buy flowers and take them to the baby land section of the local cemetery and decorate the graves of "forgotten" babies. Now, don't read that the wrong way. I don't for a single instant think that any of these babies were actually forgotten. I think more than likely the parents have either moved away, or else have gotten older and just can't get to the cemetery anymore or something. I mean....some of these "babies" would be nearing 40 today and so their parents would easily be in theirs 60's, 70's or even 80's now. After many trips past the cemetery (the local bike trail runs just along the cemetery fence line) and several visits to it, I've noticed that these graves are never decorated, no one seems to be visiting them.....the appear to be "forgotten".

Since we have had 6 miscarriages we bought flowers to decorate the 6 graves that seemed to be the longest "forgotten". The oldest graves in this section that seem to be "forgotten". Tonight we took the flowers to the cemetery and decorated the graves and then took pictures of each one. It breaks my heart seeing that some of these graves don't even have proper headstones so I have made it my mission to save up my "fun" money and work with the cemetery to anonymously purchase headstones for these babies. They all died in the 70's and it's pretty obvious that for whatever reason, they still don't have headstones. There are two others that died in the 80's or 90's that don't have headstones either and it breaks my heart, so since I can't do that for my babies, I want to do it for these. I know it will take me a while to save the money and I will have to do it one baby at a time but I just feel like it's something I need to do.



Once we get moved into our new house we are going to build our memorial garden and then I will have a place to go to remember our babies and put flowers for them and what not, but I really think this is going to become an annual tradition. I am going to continue my walks past the cemetery and I am going to watch the other "newer" graves and next year I will put flowers on ALL of the "forgotten" graves....not just these 6. I'll probably check the cemetery in the town where we are buying the house too and see if there are any "forgotten" babies there that need flowers too.

On the TTC front.... I *think* I am around 5 dpo. My breasts are SOOOO sore and very itchy too! I can't really judge off the pain alone because my breasts get sore EVERY cycle but they don't usually itch. And they really seem to hurt more this time than usual. Hopefully it's a good sign. I'm sure not holding my breath though. After three years, I really can't get my hopes up anymore. It hurst too much to be wrong month after month.

I should be....

I should be leaving for vacation tomorrow night. I'm not. We canceled our vacation. I've been trying to take a vacation and get back home for a fun visit since I moved out here three years ago and every single time something goes wrong. It SUCKS! Sometimes I hate being an adult. lol

On the bright side of things, we did get the house. We are closing on June 30th. That is why we canceled the vacation....to make sure we had the money for the down payment. We also bought a used stove and refrigerator for the new place. It's the ones that are in the house now. She originally was taking them with her, but the place she is going to already has new appliances. It's a side by side fridge and an electric range with a double oven in it. I'm really excited about that. They aren't new, but they are "new to me" and in much better shape than the appliances that I currently have.

We are putting a privacy fence up at least along the back side of the property and possible all the way around. Matt wants it all the way and I have mixed feelings. Because we are going to put a hot tub in the yard I kind of agree that I like the idea but at the same time privacy fences always kind of screamed snob to me. lol I just wanted chain link, but we are going to compromise. I think most of the yard is being fenced, but the front won't be. I don't know.....I guess time will tell for sure what we do. lol

We are also planning to put in a fish pond, gazebo and memorial garden. It will have a stone for my Dad in it and a plaque or some sort or memorial for our babies we have lost. I've always hated not having something for them, so now that we are going to own, we are going to build that in. I'm excited about it. I know it's going to take quite a while though because stuff like that is really expensive! lol It'll be a work in progress and it's probably always going to be growing and changing.

I am also going to be planting a garden but that won't happen until NEXT spring just because we are getting into the house to late to plant much this year. We will probably plant some bulbs in some of the flower beds this fall, but the actual garden won't be planted until spring.

And to update on the TTC front..... I am in the 2ww again. Not feeling too hopeful at the moment though. Sunday night I was at a friend's house and his four year old step-daughter decided that I have a baby in my belly. She wanted to know the baby's name was. She argued about it for a long time and I kind of thought maybe it was just because she just got a baby brother recently (he's 6 months old). He called me later to say he hoped she hadn't upset me and that he really didn't know what had gotten into her. He's never seen her act that way with anyone. Part of me really hopes she knows something I don't (I ovulated on Saturday so it's possible) but I am also being realistic and not getting my hopes up.

Why? Just some random ramblings.

Why do we tell people to follow their hearts when the majority of the time they end up regretting the decision that was made when they "followed their heart"? Why do we allow people we care about to make a decision that is only going to cause pain for them and those around them and pretend that they did the right thing. It's time we stood up for what is right and told people that instead of "following your heart" you need to honor your commitments. Life is not a fairy tale. Love is not all sunshine and roses. There are going to be times when the grass is going to look greener in another pasture. You have to stick it out and honor your commitments though. Our grandparents did it, and our great grandparents and for generations and generations before them. Why do we all suddenly think we know so much more than all of those before us?

You really want to know why the world we live in today is so screwed up? Because we gave up on families! Because when life gets just a little bit tough we walk out on our marriages, our children , our siblings....whoever. We need to get back to our roots. Back to a time when family was our first and most important commitment. Back to a time when you never said enough is enough. When you gritted your teeth, pulled together and worked through the bad times together. A time when the whole family came together and celebrated the good times and mourned in the bad times. Where families supported each other through struggles and were stronger because of it.

I have married into one of the most amazing families and I am so thankful for that. Growing up I thought I had a close knit family. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it is to actually be part of a close knit family. A family that does everything they possibly can together. A family that pulls together into a little cluster and makes sure that everyone in the family is taken care of. I feel so blessed today. I wish more people could experience this.

Moving on

Things have been kind of crazy since the miscarriage. We've had two yard sales recently. We made a grand total of around $330 - 350 in two days. Not too shabby. We opened up around 7:30 each day. The first one we shut down around 11:00 or so thanks to rain. The second we shut down around 1 or so. I still have tons and tons of clothing but I think I am just going to donate it rather than go through all the work of another yard sale. Originally I was going to have another yard sale around mid June, but things are changing pretty quickly around here and I just don't think I am going to have time for that.

On May 21st when the kids get home from school we are packing up the car, grabbing a bite to eat and then heading to West Virginia. I'm going home for a visit for the first time since my Dad died. I will be spending a few days at his house and on the 25th (Memorial Day) we will get up and go to the parade. After that I am going to have a yard sale (I think) to get rid of some of what I have in storage there. The things I want to keep will go to my mom's house for a while and anything that didn't sell will be donated.

Later that afternoon we will check into the cabin we are renting for the week. I've got a busy week of visiting and hopefully some relaxing. Wednesday we are going sight seeing I think and then my brother will get there on Wednesday night or Thursday morning and then Sunday we are going to my Great Grandma's for a family dinner. All this winds down when we head home on June 1st.

I'm going back to work in June. I told them I could start on June 6th. That gives me a couple of days to get unpacked and rested from vacation before I have to be at work. I have to have the 13th off though because that is the day I have to have the kids at the airport to go to their Dad's house. I think they are coming home on the 14th, but I don't know for sure yet. My ex wanted to keep them until the 18th but that would only give me one day to do the school shopping and get them settled in before school starts again on the 20th. Hopefully he won't give me to much trouble. Or maybe he will offer to take them school shopping. I can send him the supply list and he can buy that and the clothing and keep them until the 18th. Who knows what he'll do. Only time will tell I guess.

In the midst of all this, it looks like we are going to be moving. I think we are buying a house in a nearby town. It's tiny little place with a population of right around 250 people. There is a post office, a bar, and cafe. That's pretty much it. It sits right in the bend of a river and is just a sleepy little town that time seems to have forgotten about. Matt's Grandma lives just up the block from the house we are buying and Matt's aunt and uncle (the ones who just had a house fire) are putting a modular home up right behind her, so lots of family in the area. Matt also has some more distant relatives (his dad's cousins) in the town....probably 1/4 of the town is related to Matt! lol. His parents and his brother are still only going to be about 15 minutes away, so we can still see them any time we want.

The house is a 5 bedrooms but we plan on converting the smallest bedroom into a second bathroom. I am still waiting to hear back from the bank to find out for sure if we got the loan or not but it looks very promising at this point. Hopefully I'll have an update and pictures soon!

again.

I have tried to write this entry so many times, and every time I try I either start crying and can't do it or else it ends up sounding so icy that I just delete it. I just feel numb....kinda frozen most of the time. Any time I try to allow any emotions to escape it feels like a volcano about to blow so I quickly plug it back up and go on about life. I know at some point I am going to have to let it out but I have children I have to think about so until they leave and go to their Dad's house for the summer, it's going to have to stay bottled up.

The pregnancy is over. Last Saturday I posted here and said I didn't think it was going well. Sunday I woke up to spotting, a negative test and a huge temperature drop. By Monday I was bleeding and cramping horribly. The bleeding has just about stopped. I can't look at this as a miscarriage. I can't think about there having been a baby. Maybe that sounds cold or horrible or like I am in denial, and maybe I am, but right now I can't think of this as anything other than a chemical pregnancy. Hormones, a fertilized egg that never implanted. Just an egg. No baby. I cannot have another baby in heaven right now. I cannot name another baby that I will never be able to hold in my arms.

Matt is positive that we are going to be holding a healthy baby very soon. I am sure we will be holding a healthy baby eventually. I just don't know if it is going to happen the "normal" conventional way. I am starting to think maybe I should look into surrogacy. I have no idea where to turn for that even. I know that my SIL has offered to do it, but she has health issues and with two pregnancies and three babies in two years.......I don't think she should be doing it again anytime soon. My sister.....well lets just say that isn't even an option and leave it at that. I am fairly certain that if I asked my future SIL would do it, but she's so far away that I just can't even imagine how it could work. As far as the normal route of finding a surrogate through an agency......well there is just no way we could afford that anytime soon.

I've considered doing IVF but Matt doesn't feel comfortable with that at this point and doesn't know if he ever would (so he probably wouldn't agree to surrogacy even if there was someone who could do it). We discussed adoption at one point, but quickly decided that wasn't for us. I aplaud those who do take that route, but it just isn't for us unless it was a private adoption where someone we knew wanted us to adopt their child for one reason or another. First of all the cost of adoption is just too high for us, and second of all.....I would consider it if it was someone we knew but it isn't just having a baby that I want. I am desperate to experience pregnancy, labor, delivery.......the whole deal again. I was so young and arrogant and .....I don't know.....distracted maybe, that I didn't cherish those moments the first two times. I was so sure it would happen again and again. Now I regret not slowing down and enjoying it more. I want at least one more chance to experience all of it and then I might be more willing to consider adoption.

I guess my only option right now is to hope for the best while I wait to save up the money and then do a one and only one attempt at IUI using injectible medications. I'm hoping it doesn't even come to that and that Matt is right and we are pregnant in no time. If you have a moment to spare, say a quick prayer for me. I'd really appreciate it.

Prayers for a member of our family

We got a call this morning telling us that there was a fire last night and Matt's Uncle's house burned down. Thank God that he, his wife and their two daughters (12 and 15) made it out, but they've pretty much lost everything from the sound of it. I can't imagine what they are going through. I mean...I've known people this happened too before. We even had a family stay with us for a while when I was growing up because their house burned. They had been our neighbors and close friends of the family for a long time. I've never been there myself though. Unfortunately Matt and his parents have been so this is also bringing back tons of memories for my MIL I am sure.

I am considering walking over to see if there is anything I can do to help but I am not sure if I should. I hadn't written about it here yet because we haven't told anyone in the family, but I'm pregnant. It's not looking good though. I am praying that everything turns out well, but also preparing myself for the likelihood that I am about to experience yet another loss. While I really want to help Matt's Uncle and family see if we can save anything, at the same time, I am not sure walking across town and digging through a burned out house is in my best interest.

If I do lose this baby Matt is going to blame himself. We had sex last night and he was worried about it but I assured him it is perfectly fine to have sex during pregnancy. Now this morning I had some spotting and my FRER was negative this morning. The test from the $ store still had a line, but it's so faint I could barely see it. I'm really nauseous this morning too, but is that morning sickness, nerves because of the test this morning or somthing else entirely? I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just numb.

I can't help but wonder why this keeps happening. I almost feel like I must have done something wrong. Why else would I have 5 and now possible 6 losses in a row? I don't know what to do. I want a baby so badly, but I can't do this again. I can't afford all the tests and treatments that the RE wants to do.

Fired

I lost my job today. It was only 5 hours a week, so not a huge deal. I was babysitting a kid in the mornings before school. I was really only doing it because his mom needed some help, and I did it for next to nothing so it's not like I even counted on that money for anything. The situation pisses me off though.

See, this kid shows up around 6:30 every morning. His mom pulls in the drive, he jumps out, and she is gone before I can even get the door open. Well, this morning my cat's unplugged my alarm clock. I didn't wake up until 7. Mom pulls in the driveway at 6:30 dumps the kid and drives off even though the house is dark. The kid is in kindergarten. He's 5 freaking years old. He knocked on the door but the bedrooms are in the back of the house and you can't hear that little guy knock if you are back there and asleep. He got scared so he walked to the school. (They walk every morning anyway so he knew where he was going....just did it way too soon.)

Now don't get me wrong. I overslept. I should have been up and I know that, but the cats pulled the plug on my clock and facts are facts.....accidents (like oversleeping) happen from time to time. The mom called me and screamed at me for not being up. Umm, excuse me, but who drops their 5 year old kid off at a completely dark house at 6:30 in the morning and doesn't even wait to see if they make it inside?!? Like I said....I know that I screwed up, and I felt horrible, but so did she. Don't treat me like crap because you were too stupid to make sure the kid could get inside.

I actually think there was more to it than just this too. There was a situation at church on Sunday and a lot of people were on opposite sides of this argument. I was unhappy with a situation and was called out because I made a decision as a parent to remove my children from a situation that was out of control. Basically the woman who normally handles Children's Church was not there on Sunday morning and a few people decided to let the teens (oldest of who is 15) who assist with Children's church try to run it on their own. I slipped out to the bathroom at one point and when I came back into the sanctuary I told my husband that my kids would never go back if there wasn't adult supervision. The four teens were in the kitchen talking and a 12 year old was trying to lead children's church for the 3-11 year olds.

Within just a few minutes it went from kids getting a little too loud to kids getting WAY too loud. Matt and I looked at each other, I nodded and he went and pulled our two out and brought them back to the sanctuary with us. A few minutes later kids were running up and down the hall and slamming into the doors to the sanctuary completely distracting everyone. Apparently they were running relay races. Three or four adults all jumped up to go get things under control, but since the mother of 6 of the kids was headed out anyway, everyone just sat back down. After services I was cornered wanting to know why my kids hadn't been allowed to stay in the back and then told I was ridiculous to have removed them and how they get loud all the time and that day was no different. It was bad enough that even the minister was distracted, so yeah, it was different. Anyway....the lady who I babysit with is one of the 3 or 4 people who think that Children's church should be fun and game time for the kids....basically just free babysitting and had no problem with what was happening.

Somehow I am a bad person because I made my children behave in church. We knew Sunday night that the mom I babysit for, the mom that cornered me and one grandmother were all upset with me. They all three let their children run around in the sanctuary constantly (they are 2, 4, 5, and 7.....some of them much too old to be disrupting services like this) and feel that if someone else can't concentrate because of their children, that's their problem. Sunday night they spent about 20 minutes in the corner talking about something in whispers and shooting dirty looks at us. Monday morning when I stepped out on the porch and waved as she dropped her son off she turned her head and backed away without waving and she didn't call in the evening to check about how things went like she normally did. I knew something was up, so I really think she was just waiting for the right moment to do this. I was only supposed to babysit for another few weeks anyway. I told her I couldn't do it during the summer because my kids are away at their father's house.

Like I said... not a big deal financially, and trust me, I don't mind not having to deal with a child that is spoiled, has NEVER had to share, and throws 2 or 3 tantrums daily (and I only have him for an hour!) It just pisses me off that she acts like she didn't do ANYTHING wrong. I can't imagine dropping my 5 year old off anywhere and not waiting to make sure he got inside, but apparently she doesn't think it's a problem.

Oh well....I guess it's someone else's problem now.

Yard Sale sucess!

We had a yard sale on Friday. I've been planning on having one for a while. Organizing well in advance and was going to do it on May 2nd. Matt came home from work on Thursday and suggested that we do one on Saturday. We had most of the stuff gathered up, I just had to price it all, and then pick up tables from the church. We called the pastor to make sure we could get them and then rushed around pricing everything.

Friday morning I went to the bank and took $60 in change out of our savings account in quarters, ones and fives. While I was out and about I also hung up signs with info about the sale for Saturday AND for May 2nd on it. I really didn't expect to do much at all since I didn't even get any signs up until 24 hours before the sale. Plus....it was supposed to rain Saturday too, so we didn't really know how long we were going to be able to stay set up. I only had it scheduled until noon anyway because we had some other plans at noon. (Friends were coming over to watch a baseball game and cook out.)

We said a prayer before the sale started asking God to hold off the rain and to help us have a successful sale. We are trying to teach the kids that prayer is a very important part of our lives, so we are doing more and more prayers involving the entire family instead of just at dinner time. We are trying to show them that God does still answer prayers, and that miracles do still happen.

(Some pictures of the sale during a slow period.)

(The kids with their lemonade stand and a close-up of their sign.)

Sadly their lemonade stand didn't do very well. They only sold two glasses, but it was cool and windy and we shut down by 11 A.M., so we had prepared them for the fact that they might not do well on this day. They are hoping to do better when we repeat this in two weeks.

They did get to see proof that prayer works. God held off the rain until we closed up shop for the day. We hadn't had any customers in a while, so we decided to go ahead and take it down early. We already had most of it inside when the rain began. Another way our prayers were answered.....in only a few hours, with just a handful of customers we made over $150!

The lesson continued on Sunday. We frequently tell the kids that if you trust God, He will supply the means to meet your needs. Sunday morning at church my MIL brought us a piece of mail that went to her address. It was a bill that we had somehow overlooked and they were going to take action against us for collection. Our spur of the moment yard sale that we didn't expect to do well at all raised enough to cover that bill and allowed us to give Matt's grandparents some money so that they could visit our church on Sunday night.

God definitely answers prayers, and ALWAYS meets our needs.

Into the two week wait

Well, Fertility Friend has officially decided that I did ovulate. 5 days ago. I'm not entirely sure that I agree, but if I did that means I am already almost half way through my 2ww without even realizing it. Yay for that!

Matt seems so sure that this is the month we are finally going to have a sticky BFP. And he says that if it's not this month, then it is very soon. I on the other hand am starting to feel more like it is never going to happen. I will say that I did a chart overlay and my cycle this time is similar to my cycles in July of 2007 and July of 2008. I did conceive both times, so hopefully I did again this time, only have a happier ending than I did those times. If you know anything about charting, please take a look at my chart HERE and take the poll. You can see the chart overlay at the top of the page to see what I was talking about too.

Based on our intercourse timing Fertility Friend says I have a high chance of conception (but then again they don't know me) and if pregnant I would be due January 2nd. It also recommends testing on April 25th. At least that much we agree on. lol I guess only time will tell. So how about someone wakes me up on the 25th when it's time to test.....I think I can sleep until then. That's about the only way I can remain sane during this process!

A new home and more cleaning.

We ended up getting busy doing other things. Specifically trying to cut down this tree at our church that is completely dead and in danger of falling . The pastor had mentioned wanting it cut down, so we (Matt, his parents, his grandpa and I) were going to take care of that.

It helps if the chainsaw actually works though. From left to right, my mother-in-law, Matt's grandpa (his dad's dad), my father-in-law, and Matt. They are trying to get the chainsaw running and my mother-in-law and I keep telling them that this is a sign that we aren't supposed to cut it down on that particular day.

After we gave up on the tree, we already had the truck out so Matt and his Dad when and picked up the materials we needed to build a kennel for the dogs. It's almost as long as the garage. It was supposed to run the full length of the garage, but once we got started we realized that there was this big hole in the side of the garage that we needed to do something about. Instead, we shortened the length of the kennel a little bit and used that piece of fencing to run across the front of the garage. Now they have the outside area, and can still get into the garage where it's cool and dry. They have full run of the place.
Lady and Suzy now live in the kennel/garage. Ladyhad always been an outside dog before. She only came inside when she had Nueva in the middle of the winter, and she had started using the bathroom in the house again, so out she goes. Suzy.....well she likes to chew endlessly so she was spending more and more time in a small kennel inside because of that. I think it was mostly that she wasn't getting enough exercise (this little girl NEVER wears out!) so we decided to put her outside with Lady and see if it would even work out. Well, she honestly seems happier outside than she ever was inside because she can just run until she falls down. She isn't anywhere near as territorial or loud as she was inside either. She had gotten to the point where she was barking non-stop, but now she just runs and jumps and plays and has a ball. You can't see it in the picture, but they have an old recliner in the garage that they curl up in together to sleep. We bought that dog house for Lady a few years ago and I don't think it's ever been used! lol
Today we set up this little basketball/soccer set we got for the kids. It is just a cheap little plastic set that we got during a "yard sale" that the local grocery store holds a few times a year. They have all this seasonal stuff that they try to get rid of during the off season. If you wait long enough, they even end up giving some things away. That's how we got this. We originally had two of them, but like I said....they are cheap and one broke while we where trying to set it up.
We used the basketball part of the one that broke and nailed it on the side of the house so that they can actually have a bit more challenge. lol Not that it's that hard, but harder than when it's on the actual set.

Easter and more cleaning.

We had a decent Easter here. It was the first year that both of my kids were "too old" for the traditional Easter fun. Neither of them even wanted to color eggs (though they admitted yesterday they wish we had) and Matt had to work, so it was a very laid back day. We went to church that morning and they did participate in the egg hunt there. Afterwards we came home and watched some tv. I wasn't feeling well so I napped while they hung out in their bedroom watching movies. When Matt got home they got their candy (they chose to wait until he was home) , and we all spent some time together.

I wasn't feeling well, so I ended up napping some more.....to the point that they all went back to church in the evening and just left me at home in bed. I think the main problem was just exhaustion from everything I did last week. I'm finishing up all the cleaning today. Going through the kids toys and getting rid of all the stuff they have outgrown, the toys with broken pieces, and the stuff they just don't play with anymore. They won't be very happy with me, but it will make me happy. Besides, they don't play with much anymore.

I'm going to keep Wills matchbox cars and his toy guns. Sierra will still have a few dolls. I am keeping coloring books, crayons and all their books, but other than that, I plan to get rid of most of it. They mainly just play video games and watch TV anymore anyway so there really isn't any need to have all this STUFF around.

Why is it that when you decide to spring clean your house it looks soooo much worse before it ever looks better? lol It should be better soon. I'm almost finished. I just wish it was done already!

Eleven

I blinked somewhere along the line and missed something. Yesterday they handed me a beautiful baby girl, and today....today my baby girl is 11 years old! How did that happen?!? It honestly doesn't even seem humanly possible for her to be 11 already. It's crazy!

We are going to have cake an ice cream today, and she already got a Hannah Montana journal from Matt's parents. His sister called from California to wish Sierra a happy birthday too. She received a card in the mail from our church and from Matt's grandparents. They gave her some money and a neighbor handed her some money this morning for her birthday too.

She doesn't know it yet, but Matt is picking up the Taylor Swift cd that she asked us for on his was home from work tonight for her. She's also going to get a party back home in May when we go for a visit where my mom has several new outfits for her. I still can't believe that she is eleven already!

After picture

Just thought I would share a quick AFTER picture of the garage. It's not completely finished, but very close. The bed needs demolished, and the cardboard is all going to be burned. The air conditioner will come inside in a month or so, and the two stoves.....well they were here when we moved in, so they stay. So once again......

BEFORE

AFTER

The bags that you see right around that bed are things that I need to take to the recycling center still mostly soda cans and bottles and tin cans. I'll probably do that tomorrow. My dumpster......well, I need to call to have it emptied already. There was a lot more in that garage than I realized!

It only took a couple of hours and the kids actually enjoyed helping. I guess it was because of the dumpster. I don't know. Usually they complain about it but today they actually worked. Thank goodness Sierra didn't have any homework and we were able to get it done today because tomorrow she has to stay after school for Cardinal Partners (tutoring/detention) and then we have to run up and get their glasses. I've got to run and get showered and get my cake frosted now. If I don't hurry I am going to be late for church! Just had to brag about my accomplishment for the day!

Spring Cleaning

If there is one thing I have learned since I became a parent, it's that kids are pack rats. They don't ever want to get rid of ANYTHING. It doesn't matter if they haven't touched it in over a year. Half the parts can be missing, or it can be one small part of something and they have no idea what it goes to, but they don't want to get rid of it because "Mooooom! It's miiiiine!"

Every year my kids DREAD hearing me say the words spring cleaning. They know I am going to go through all of their toys and get at least a bag....maybe two...of trash. They HATE it. Well, this year, they are going to hate it even more. This year is going to be a spring cleaning like they have never known. Today after they left for school, I made a phone call, and a few minutes ago, I had someone deliver THIS:



Why do I need a dumpster? Well a couple of reasons. Number one being that I am also a pack rat, and have enabled my children to become pack rats. I think it was because my parents were also pack rats, and they enabled me. Maybe it's just a human thing. Maybe we all do it, but I am sick of it. We decided it's time to go through the ENTIRE house and get rid a of a ton of crap we don't need.

Another reason is because in the past when we have decided to get rid of things, we bag or box it up, stick it in the garage and say "In a week or two we will borrow Dad's truck and take that to the landfill." Well, three years of that has resulted in this:

With the exception of the bikes and the recliner, most if not all of this is trash. Now, the garage isn't one I can park my car in or anything. Reason being some genius built the garage with a wooden floor and then didn't repair a leaky roof. Most of the floor has rotted out and it DEFINITELY won't support a car. I would like to be able to get my bikes, my grill and my lawn mower in and out without a fight though. The recliner stays because my dog uses it as a bed when she is outside. The rest of this crap is just that.....CRAP and is going into the dumpster. I have it for the next two weeks, and it only costs $30 each time they come empty it. They only do that when I call to have it done, so they aren't charging me for emptying a half full dumpster or anything.

I'll have to do before and after shots of the closet in my room, the kids closet and the pantry, which are the main areas of concern. And of course I will be including after photos of the garage too. Tonight we have bible study, so between dinner, homework, bible study and all that, there isn't a lot of time for anything else, but tomorrow........ oh tomorrow the fun begins!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I couldn't resist the evil laugh. It just felt right!)

Honesty

I have to be honest and say I am really having a very hard time dealing with a lot of things right now. There are several people in my family and close friends who are either pregnant or have new babies right now, and after three years I still don't have either. I can honestly say that EVERY single month I let myself believe.....truly believe that this is my month. Every month I am DEVASTATED when I am not pregnant. And when I do finally get pregnant, I'm not able to enjoy it. I think if I ever get to the six week mark I will relax some, but I don't know that I will ever honestly be able to relax and enjoy pregnancy again. That right was taken away from me on October 10th 2006.

I saw that positive pregnancy test in October and I was ecstatic. I know that things go wrong, but that was something that happens to other people. That doesn't happen to me or anyone I know. I had only ever known one person that had ever even had a miscarriage, and honestly.....everyone kind of thought it was her fault. She had been doing a lot of working and over did it the night before her miscarriage, and I knew she must blame herself for that loss. I felt so bad for her because I couldn't even IMAGINE that kind of pain.

Now I have not only imagined that, but felt that same pain 5 separate times. Always wondering if I did something wrong. Always wondering if I should have done something different. Always wondering why it had to happen again. The thing that people don't realize until they have experienced a loss is that it NEVER goes away. When I get a positive pregnancy test now, two things happen within a split second of seeing that line. The first is that my heart jumps for joy. FINALLY! Two pink lines! A fraction of a second later my stomach drops clear to my toes. WHAT IF?!? What if it happens again? How long do I have this time? Will I have a baby in nine months or will this be over in a few days or a week? So far it ends quickly.

I continue to hope...no, to believe.....that one day I will have a baby again. One day I will see two pink lines and nine months later I will have a baby. I have to believe that. If I can never have another baby I don't think I will ever feel complete. I suppose that one day that might change, but at this point.....I just really need to keep that hope. I need to believe. Some days I feel SOOO positive. Other days I feel really negative. I've noticed a pattern the past few months. I am up during the 2ww when there is a chance that it just might happen. When AF shows and for a week or two afterwards, I am so depressed. Until I ovulated again and see well timed intercourse I have a hard time believing that it still might happen. I guess three years of TTC does that to you.

I've started talking more to my husband about what if.... what if we don't have a baby together? What if the two I brought into the marriage are the only children we ever have? What if we never have enough money for our back-up plan of traveling the world? What if? What if? What if? I know that at some point I will have to say enough is enough. I know that my body cannot continue this way forever. The stress of it is just too much. I don't know when I will get to that point, and honestly I hope I never find out.

If you are reading this, and you have a moment to and a prayer to spare, please say a little prayer for us. We are so ready for a baby. We have been for so long. My husband is a great Daddy to my children and he will be great to our child too. He deserves the chance to experience the ENTIRE parenting experience. Pregnancy, birth, infant, toddler.....all of that. My youngest was already 4 when we got together. I want him to have those first 4 years with a baby. I want to experiance it again. I want to do it with him. Please, just say a little prayer for us that we can have a child, or that we find peace with things if we can't.

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Whew! Its over! Sort of.

It was a very long and busy weekend. It all started on Friday when I had to take the kids for a quick eye appointment. Yea right! The did a basic vision test, dilated their eyes, did another more in depth test, dilated their eyes even further and had yet ONE MORE test. Oh, and did I mention they were running behind so it was almost an hour late before they got us in? In the end both kids needed glasses. Will is far sighted (which we were pretty he needed glasses) and has an astigmatism. Sierra.....just like me, always has to be difficult! lol She is far-sighted in one eye, and also has a lazy eye on that side (the left) and she is near sighted in the right. That is why we didn't really know she had problems. The doctor said she probably trained herself at a very early age to use one eye for far away things and the other for up close things and didn't even realize she was only using one eye at a time. CRAZY, right?!? We've ordered their glasses and they should be here late this week or early next week.

On Saturday....what happened Saturday? Oh! Saturday we went for our monthly shopping trip. Yes, I only do grocery shopping once a month. I plan out the menus the best I can and make a list of what I need for those meals. I don't decide in advance which meals to cook which days. Just make sure to have 30 or so breakfast items for Matt and I (the kids only eat breakfast at home on the weekends, so a couple boxes of cereal get us through the month), 30 lunches, and then 35 or so dinners (so that I have extra stuff for church dinners and in case we have unexpected company). I hate taking these trips on the weekends for two reasons......there are more people in the stores then, and I have two kids begging for extras then. It was also the first part of the month, which mean even more people out. It was so crowded and I got REALLY stressed out, but I survived. Shopping for a month worth of food takes most of the day too.

After we got home and got everything put away I gave the kids a quick, but late lunch and then we took them to my in-laws house. They wanted to keep them overnight, and it gave Matt and I a chance to have a "date night". We grilled steaks, has salad, shrimp and twice baked potatoes for dinner. I also splurged and had cream cheese danishes and vanilla ice cream for dessert. It was so yummy. To finish out the evening, we watched Nights in Rodanthe.

Sunday was church and snow. WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me? Still snowing? This is getting insane! I am so ready for spring. We spent most of the day trying to stay warm. We are ready enough for spring that we spent all day yesterday spring cleaning. We went through the kids closets and got TONS of stuff that was too small to sell in our yard sale this summer, and now we are going through the stuff that fits ans deciding what to keep and what to get rid of.

Today I am doing just regular weekly cleaning. Sweeping and mopping all the floors and finishing up the last load or two of laundry. Tomorrow I will work on sorting my clothing and Thursday we will work on DHs clothes, and start sorting boxes that we have in the closets. It's seriously time to declutter!

Lots of appointments and no fun

We've had a lot of appointments the past few days, and not much fun either. Matt and I both had to have dental work done tomorrow, and Sierra and Will both have to go to the eye doctor tomorrow. The school sent me home a paper saying that Will's vision test indicated that he needed to have his eyes checked by a doctor so I needed to schedule one for him, and then we noticed that Sierra is doing a lot of squinting and such when she is reading, so I just scheduled for both. Matt and I have to go back to the dentist in a few weeks to get some work done, and I need to schedule a cleaning session for both kids.

And if that isn't enough appointments, I have to take 3 dogs to the vet to get rabies vaccines and have them all three spayed too. UGH! The bills are piling up and I am running out of time. I have to get this all done before May 21st because that's when we leave to go to West Virginia for a week and the dogs are all going to be outside for a week. I wanted to take them with me, but I was going to have to go with a different cabin which was an extra $250 for the week AND had to pay a $50 PER PET deposit. Then I would have had to let my brother bring his 2 dogs also, and 5 dog ranging in size from a Jack Russell Terrier up to a Rottweiler all in one small 2 bedroom cabin could get a bit crowded! lol

Thankfully I have an amazing set of in-laws and they are going to come over and feed and water my dogs and cats for me that week. (There are three cats inside too!)

Paint and time to think

I love to paint. It's so relaxing. By painting....I am referring to painting walls. I don't have an artistic bone in my body when it comes to painting pictures. lol As long as I can remember I have always turned to painting as a way to relieve stress. My mom always did it, and it's something I picked up too. When my great grandmother died, my mom and I repainted most of the twelve rooms in our house....and part of the outside. It's how we deal with stress.

Yesterday my period started. Another cycle down the drain. On to cycle 37. I was so hopeful too. My chart had looked amazing...I didn't feel like I usually did when my period was about to start, my boobs were sore, I was nauseous. I was sure. Guess I was wrong. I decided to paint. The whole house needs repainted, but at the moment, I only have the paint for the trim. It's a bit backwards, but I decided to go ahead and do the trim in the dining room. I'll do the walls in few weeks when I have the paint.

While I was painting I had plenty of time to think. While I was painting I thought about my losses and the STUPID things people say when they don't know what to say. I think about the people who have told me that I should stop grieving for a baby I never held and be thankful for the two children I do have. How stupid is that. If my child had been 2 or 3 years old would I be told I wasn't allowed to grieve? I think about all the times that I have heard "at least it didn't happen later" or "be thankful you weren't further along". I get so annoyed. The death of a child is NEVER a reason to be thankful. Just because I didn't hold those babies in my arms does not mean that they weren't my children. I still mourn for those babies. I hate that people don't see that. I hate that no one acknowledges my babies. I realize that they just don't know what to say, and that when they say stupid things they are trying to say something helpful. For the most part, I try not to hold it against them. I am sure I've probably said my share of stupid things too.

That brings me to another STUPID thing that people say. And don't get fired up until I explain why it's so stupid. Someone who has gone through a loss hears these stupid comments day in and day out, and then they say, "I wish instead of always saying stupid things to me, (insert persons name) understood how I feel. I wish they knew how bad I am hurting." I'll admit. I've said it too. The reality is though.....I don't wish anyone knew how I felt. No one could possibly understand how I feel unless they have experienced a loss, and that is something I would never wish on anyone.

I do wish people were a little more aware of how the things they said hurt people. Maybe we should have to take a class in school that teaches us how to act when we are dealing with someone who has had a loss of any kind. The problem with that is that each person deals with losses differently. Some may want to ignore the loss and never mention it. Others may only want to talk about it at certain times. And still others (like me) just wish that people would simply say "I'm sorry that your baby died. Would you like to talk about it?" Let me tell you about my babies that I loved. My babies that I lost. My babies that I named. I know that to some people it is strange to name a baby that I only carried for a few weeks, but to me....it was something I had to do. I just wish that people would remember those babies. Help me remember them and acknowledge them on their angelversary. They don't get birthdays, and I generally don't even think much about their due dates.... maybe because I wasn't that far along.

I wish that people would just say to me "I'm thinking of you and Claire (or Garrett, Norma, Andrew or Alexander) today. If you want to talk about it, just let me know." Not likely to happen, but I wish it would.

Part Three

After my Dad died and we got through the funeral, I packed up his things and stored them at my mom's house (which is sitting empty and basically just a huge storage unit at the moment). I loaded up a rental car and headed home. It was time to go home. Matt had been struggling to pay the bills by himself, so I needed to get back to work......back to life.

I slowly got back into the swing of things, but I still felt numb. I was just numb clear through. The first bit of happiness came on May 8th. The day before my birthday, we found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited! Scared, but excited. The next day, it all came crashing down again. On by birthday. I couldn't believe that this was happening again.

Unfortunately that wouldn't be the last time. I had a third miscarriage, and then a fourth, and a fifth. I remember the date of the miscarriage of all five of the babies I lost. I also remember their estimated due dates. I think about them all the time. I think about how old they should be, and imagine the things they would be doing. I imagine what they would look like and how they would smell. The pain that I feel every single day of my life is something I wouldn't wish on ANYONE.

My last miscarriage was on August 8th of 2008. That baby would have been due on April 20th. I had really hoped I would be pregnant again by now. I guess it wasn't meant to be. My period started this morning. 3 years....36 cycles. Still no baby. There are some days when I really wonder if it's ever going to happen. Or if I will still be sane if it does ever happen. I am really starting to have a very hard time dealing with everyone else getting pregnant and me not.

Part Two.

I arrived in Iowa on March 2nd. I was exhausted. My car was so fully loaded with a cargo bag on top loaded to the point of nearly bursting at the seems and every spare inch of space inside the car used up too that I couldn't go much over 45 - 50 mph for the entire trip. around 19-20 hours of driving time with two small kids, by the time you add in food breaks, potty breaks, and time to just stretch their legs so they didn't drive me insane, the trip took us around 23 hours. I drove it straight through, by myself. All I wanted was sleep. Fortunately Matt understood and his parents were just so excited to have grandkids that they were more than willing to take two very wound up children out to a family members farm to show them off and let them work of some of that energy while I restored my energy.....with a nice long nap!

Matt and I did alot of talking the first couple of days and decided that we were both still on the same page. We wanted to get married, we wanted to have babies, and we wanted to do it right away.....we didn't care what anyone else thought. We only had one problem. Even though he hadn't seen or heard from her in over 2 years, Matt was still legally married. Even though she was living with some other man half way across the country, she thought it would be more fun to cause even more problems and refused to sign the divorce papers. We filed papers with courts, we paid fees to have her served with papers, we put ads in the classifieds of her hometown paper like we were supposed to and in September the judge finally signed to divorce decree, without Matt's ex ever acknowleging the proceedings.

We started talking about our wedding plans right away. We set a date, and the planning began. Almost one month after his divorce finalized, I had even more good news for Matt. I couldn't wait for him to get home so I could tell him. We were pregnant! I was thrilled beyond belief. I spent the day planning exactly how I would tell him and daydreaming about his reaction. It didn't go exactly the way I planned though. When he got home from work he found me curled up in a ball in the middle of the livingroom floor sobbing hysterically. I was having so horrible cramps, and bleeding. I knew it was over. The beautiful, lying pregnancy test was still in the bathroom on the counter, waiting to surprise him when he went in to take his shower like he always did after work. Instead of celebrating a new life, we spent the evening mourning the loss of a baby.

The miscarriage really messed with me. I didn't want to face Matt. I felt like I had failed him. The stress was taking it's toll on us both. I ended up finding an apartment and moving out. It didn't take long for me to realize what a HUGE mistake that I had made. I didn't figure he would ever forgive me, but he did. We didn't move right back in together immediately, but he was at my place more than he was at his own. By the beginning of December we decided to live together again, and we both were in love with my apartment, so he moved in there. Within days, I recieved more news that nearly shattered me. My father was sick. I needed to come home.

The engine in my car had gone out so I had no transportation. I had no money either and I didn't know what to do. My aunt offered to pay for the tickets for me and the kids to come out on Amtrak. Matt drove me to the train station and we said goodbye. It was less than two weeks until our first Christmas together. I spent a week with my Dad, and he seemed to be doing much better. We found out that his bladder cancer had returned, but he insisted that I take my kids home so that they could have a good Christmas. After all, he'd beaten this once, he'd do it again. We exchanged gifts, and then said our goodbyes with promises of a visit in the spring. When I got back to the train station in Iowa Matt was waiting to pick me up. He took my bags, dropped to one knee and proposed. We were officially engaged, with a ring and everything.

I talked to my Dad several times over the next week, and he assured me he was eating well and doing great. In reality....he wasn't. On December 29th, my aunt called and told me she had rushed my Dad back to the hospital. He'd been having seizure type activity, and they had found out that his cancer was not only back, but it had spread. Their were ruptures in his bladder and his bowels. Infection was spreading. His body was slowly shutting down. The only way to fix it was to do surgery and close the ruptures. The problem with that was that he was too weak to do the surgery. The didn't know if they could help him, and the didn't know if I could make it home in time to see him. The first available train was on January 2nd. This time, when I said goodbye to Matt, we had no idea how long I would be gone.

By the time that I made it to WV, they had found that my father's cancer had spread. His heart, lungs, bladder, bowels, stomach, kidnesy, brain and bones were all affected. They told us we should call the family in. There was nothing to do now except for to make him as comfortable as possible. On January 17th two things happened. My sister gave birth to a son early that morning, and that afternoon, with the help of hospice, I brought my Dad home. He seemed to be doing extremely well, considering his condition. I never would have imagined that we had less than a week.

Welcome

Hey ya'll! Welcome to my blog. This is a place where I am going to share the story of my battle with secondary infertility...the good and the bad, my life as a mom to two children from a previous marriage and trying to make life between their two families run smoothly, and hopefully it will eventually be the place where I talk about starting all over with a baby and a preteen!

A little about us first. I am Stephanie, the mom of the bunch. I an very near to turning 29 years old. I grew up in West Virginia and lived there my entire life. During the summer between my Junior and Senior year in high school there was this guy. We all know the problems those can cause! lol This one ended up being the daddy to my two children and my first husband. Two weeks before I started my senior year in high school I found out I was pregnant with Sierra. One month before my 18th birthday, I had her on the first day of spring break my Senior year. Not exactly a day at the beach! Though I didn't realize it at the time (or until MUCH later) this was the day that I began my battle with secondary infertility.

I went on birth control shots for 6 months (a total of 2 shots) and then we decided to start trying again. It would be 2 1/2 years later before I was back in L&D. One month after my 21st birthday I gave birth to Will. I didn't really think much of it because my ex had a schedule that kept him away from home for a few days at a time. We did decide that there wouldn't be any birth control after Will's birth and we would just let nature take it's course. If we were supposed to have another baby soon, we would.

When Will was 3 1/2 and Sierra was 6 1/2 their father and I split up. Three and a half years and no other babies. That should have been a red flag, I didn't see it. Besides....we weren't really TRYING, we just hadn't PREVENTED anything.

For the next year I did the single mommy thing which every single mommy knows means working way more hours than any one person should have too....usually at a job that doesn't pay anywhere near enough, not getting to spend enough time with your kids, and wishing you had just a FEW more hours in your day. The one treat that I allowed myself daily was time on a message board that I had joined with a friend. It was really a dating site, but I made sure no one even tried. I clearly stated that my kids were number one. I said up front, in large bold print on my profile that if a guy was interested he had to come to me, and if things worked out he had to move.....I was staying put. Not negotiable.

Then one day there was this guy. UH-OH! We wanted to meet, but his car wouldn't make the trip from Iowa to West Virginia, so the trip would have to wait several months. Except I am impulsive and impatient and I decided to break my rule. UH-OH! I made the trip to Iowa and things went great! I had known beforehand that this was going to get serious. Now I knew I wanted to marry the guy. A couple of months later he came to West Virginia and by the end of that trip we were talking about someone moving. Remember....I was clear about this up front. My kids were rooted. It was the town I had lived in for the past 21 years. So of course....I packed up my car and moved! lol He did have a much better paying job with room for advancement, while I was ....well, working in a fast food joint. I could find that anywhere!

Stay tuned......we still have three years to cover just to get to today!