Paint and time to think

I love to paint. It's so relaxing. By painting....I am referring to painting walls. I don't have an artistic bone in my body when it comes to painting pictures. lol As long as I can remember I have always turned to painting as a way to relieve stress. My mom always did it, and it's something I picked up too. When my great grandmother died, my mom and I repainted most of the twelve rooms in our house....and part of the outside. It's how we deal with stress.

Yesterday my period started. Another cycle down the drain. On to cycle 37. I was so hopeful too. My chart had looked amazing...I didn't feel like I usually did when my period was about to start, my boobs were sore, I was nauseous. I was sure. Guess I was wrong. I decided to paint. The whole house needs repainted, but at the moment, I only have the paint for the trim. It's a bit backwards, but I decided to go ahead and do the trim in the dining room. I'll do the walls in few weeks when I have the paint.

While I was painting I had plenty of time to think. While I was painting I thought about my losses and the STUPID things people say when they don't know what to say. I think about the people who have told me that I should stop grieving for a baby I never held and be thankful for the two children I do have. How stupid is that. If my child had been 2 or 3 years old would I be told I wasn't allowed to grieve? I think about all the times that I have heard "at least it didn't happen later" or "be thankful you weren't further along". I get so annoyed. The death of a child is NEVER a reason to be thankful. Just because I didn't hold those babies in my arms does not mean that they weren't my children. I still mourn for those babies. I hate that people don't see that. I hate that no one acknowledges my babies. I realize that they just don't know what to say, and that when they say stupid things they are trying to say something helpful. For the most part, I try not to hold it against them. I am sure I've probably said my share of stupid things too.

That brings me to another STUPID thing that people say. And don't get fired up until I explain why it's so stupid. Someone who has gone through a loss hears these stupid comments day in and day out, and then they say, "I wish instead of always saying stupid things to me, (insert persons name) understood how I feel. I wish they knew how bad I am hurting." I'll admit. I've said it too. The reality is though.....I don't wish anyone knew how I felt. No one could possibly understand how I feel unless they have experienced a loss, and that is something I would never wish on anyone.

I do wish people were a little more aware of how the things they said hurt people. Maybe we should have to take a class in school that teaches us how to act when we are dealing with someone who has had a loss of any kind. The problem with that is that each person deals with losses differently. Some may want to ignore the loss and never mention it. Others may only want to talk about it at certain times. And still others (like me) just wish that people would simply say "I'm sorry that your baby died. Would you like to talk about it?" Let me tell you about my babies that I loved. My babies that I lost. My babies that I named. I know that to some people it is strange to name a baby that I only carried for a few weeks, but to me....it was something I had to do. I just wish that people would remember those babies. Help me remember them and acknowledge them on their angelversary. They don't get birthdays, and I generally don't even think much about their due dates.... maybe because I wasn't that far along.

I wish that people would just say to me "I'm thinking of you and Claire (or Garrett, Norma, Andrew or Alexander) today. If you want to talk about it, just let me know." Not likely to happen, but I wish it would.