Honesty

I have to be honest and say I am really having a very hard time dealing with a lot of things right now. There are several people in my family and close friends who are either pregnant or have new babies right now, and after three years I still don't have either. I can honestly say that EVERY single month I let myself believe.....truly believe that this is my month. Every month I am DEVASTATED when I am not pregnant. And when I do finally get pregnant, I'm not able to enjoy it. I think if I ever get to the six week mark I will relax some, but I don't know that I will ever honestly be able to relax and enjoy pregnancy again. That right was taken away from me on October 10th 2006.

I saw that positive pregnancy test in October and I was ecstatic. I know that things go wrong, but that was something that happens to other people. That doesn't happen to me or anyone I know. I had only ever known one person that had ever even had a miscarriage, and honestly.....everyone kind of thought it was her fault. She had been doing a lot of working and over did it the night before her miscarriage, and I knew she must blame herself for that loss. I felt so bad for her because I couldn't even IMAGINE that kind of pain.

Now I have not only imagined that, but felt that same pain 5 separate times. Always wondering if I did something wrong. Always wondering if I should have done something different. Always wondering why it had to happen again. The thing that people don't realize until they have experienced a loss is that it NEVER goes away. When I get a positive pregnancy test now, two things happen within a split second of seeing that line. The first is that my heart jumps for joy. FINALLY! Two pink lines! A fraction of a second later my stomach drops clear to my toes. WHAT IF?!? What if it happens again? How long do I have this time? Will I have a baby in nine months or will this be over in a few days or a week? So far it ends quickly.

I continue to hope...no, to believe.....that one day I will have a baby again. One day I will see two pink lines and nine months later I will have a baby. I have to believe that. If I can never have another baby I don't think I will ever feel complete. I suppose that one day that might change, but at this point.....I just really need to keep that hope. I need to believe. Some days I feel SOOO positive. Other days I feel really negative. I've noticed a pattern the past few months. I am up during the 2ww when there is a chance that it just might happen. When AF shows and for a week or two afterwards, I am so depressed. Until I ovulated again and see well timed intercourse I have a hard time believing that it still might happen. I guess three years of TTC does that to you.

I've started talking more to my husband about what if.... what if we don't have a baby together? What if the two I brought into the marriage are the only children we ever have? What if we never have enough money for our back-up plan of traveling the world? What if? What if? What if? I know that at some point I will have to say enough is enough. I know that my body cannot continue this way forever. The stress of it is just too much. I don't know when I will get to that point, and honestly I hope I never find out.

If you are reading this, and you have a moment to and a prayer to spare, please say a little prayer for us. We are so ready for a baby. We have been for so long. My husband is a great Daddy to my children and he will be great to our child too. He deserves the chance to experience the ENTIRE parenting experience. Pregnancy, birth, infant, toddler.....all of that. My youngest was already 4 when we got together. I want him to have those first 4 years with a baby. I want to experiance it again. I want to do it with him. Please, just say a little prayer for us that we can have a child, or that we find peace with things if we can't.

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me.