Remembering my babies

One thing about my miscarriages that has always bothered me is that people seem to think that you should get over a miscarriage in very little time. If I had been further along, there could have been a funeral and a headstone and a place to go to remember my babies. Because I don't have anyplace like that (at the moment anyway) I decided that for Memorial Day I was going to buy flowers and take them to the baby land section of the local cemetery and decorate the graves of "forgotten" babies. Now, don't read that the wrong way. I don't for a single instant think that any of these babies were actually forgotten. I think more than likely the parents have either moved away, or else have gotten older and just can't get to the cemetery anymore or something. I mean....some of these "babies" would be nearing 40 today and so their parents would easily be in theirs 60's, 70's or even 80's now. After many trips past the cemetery (the local bike trail runs just along the cemetery fence line) and several visits to it, I've noticed that these graves are never decorated, no one seems to be visiting them.....the appear to be "forgotten".

Since we have had 6 miscarriages we bought flowers to decorate the 6 graves that seemed to be the longest "forgotten". The oldest graves in this section that seem to be "forgotten". Tonight we took the flowers to the cemetery and decorated the graves and then took pictures of each one. It breaks my heart seeing that some of these graves don't even have proper headstones so I have made it my mission to save up my "fun" money and work with the cemetery to anonymously purchase headstones for these babies. They all died in the 70's and it's pretty obvious that for whatever reason, they still don't have headstones. There are two others that died in the 80's or 90's that don't have headstones either and it breaks my heart, so since I can't do that for my babies, I want to do it for these. I know it will take me a while to save the money and I will have to do it one baby at a time but I just feel like it's something I need to do.



Once we get moved into our new house we are going to build our memorial garden and then I will have a place to go to remember our babies and put flowers for them and what not, but I really think this is going to become an annual tradition. I am going to continue my walks past the cemetery and I am going to watch the other "newer" graves and next year I will put flowers on ALL of the "forgotten" graves....not just these 6. I'll probably check the cemetery in the town where we are buying the house too and see if there are any "forgotten" babies there that need flowers too.

On the TTC front.... I *think* I am around 5 dpo. My breasts are SOOOO sore and very itchy too! I can't really judge off the pain alone because my breasts get sore EVERY cycle but they don't usually itch. And they really seem to hurt more this time than usual. Hopefully it's a good sign. I'm sure not holding my breath though. After three years, I really can't get my hopes up anymore. It hurst too much to be wrong month after month.