again.

I have tried to write this entry so many times, and every time I try I either start crying and can't do it or else it ends up sounding so icy that I just delete it. I just feel numb....kinda frozen most of the time. Any time I try to allow any emotions to escape it feels like a volcano about to blow so I quickly plug it back up and go on about life. I know at some point I am going to have to let it out but I have children I have to think about so until they leave and go to their Dad's house for the summer, it's going to have to stay bottled up.

The pregnancy is over. Last Saturday I posted here and said I didn't think it was going well. Sunday I woke up to spotting, a negative test and a huge temperature drop. By Monday I was bleeding and cramping horribly. The bleeding has just about stopped. I can't look at this as a miscarriage. I can't think about there having been a baby. Maybe that sounds cold or horrible or like I am in denial, and maybe I am, but right now I can't think of this as anything other than a chemical pregnancy. Hormones, a fertilized egg that never implanted. Just an egg. No baby. I cannot have another baby in heaven right now. I cannot name another baby that I will never be able to hold in my arms.

Matt is positive that we are going to be holding a healthy baby very soon. I am sure we will be holding a healthy baby eventually. I just don't know if it is going to happen the "normal" conventional way. I am starting to think maybe I should look into surrogacy. I have no idea where to turn for that even. I know that my SIL has offered to do it, but she has health issues and with two pregnancies and three babies in two years.......I don't think she should be doing it again anytime soon. My sister.....well lets just say that isn't even an option and leave it at that. I am fairly certain that if I asked my future SIL would do it, but she's so far away that I just can't even imagine how it could work. As far as the normal route of finding a surrogate through an agency......well there is just no way we could afford that anytime soon.

I've considered doing IVF but Matt doesn't feel comfortable with that at this point and doesn't know if he ever would (so he probably wouldn't agree to surrogacy even if there was someone who could do it). We discussed adoption at one point, but quickly decided that wasn't for us. I aplaud those who do take that route, but it just isn't for us unless it was a private adoption where someone we knew wanted us to adopt their child for one reason or another. First of all the cost of adoption is just too high for us, and second of all.....I would consider it if it was someone we knew but it isn't just having a baby that I want. I am desperate to experience pregnancy, labor, delivery.......the whole deal again. I was so young and arrogant and .....I don't know.....distracted maybe, that I didn't cherish those moments the first two times. I was so sure it would happen again and again. Now I regret not slowing down and enjoying it more. I want at least one more chance to experience all of it and then I might be more willing to consider adoption.

I guess my only option right now is to hope for the best while I wait to save up the money and then do a one and only one attempt at IUI using injectible medications. I'm hoping it doesn't even come to that and that Matt is right and we are pregnant in no time. If you have a moment to spare, say a quick prayer for me. I'd really appreciate it.