After my Dad died and we got through the funeral, I packed up his things and stored them at my mom's house (which is sitting empty and basically just a huge storage unit at the moment). I loaded up a rental car and headed home. It was time to go home. Matt had been struggling to pay the bills by himself, so I needed to get back to work......back to life.
I slowly got back into the swing of things, but I still felt numb. I was just numb clear through. The first bit of happiness came on May 8th. The day before my birthday, we found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited! Scared, but excited. The next day, it all came crashing down again. On by birthday. I couldn't believe that this was happening again.
Unfortunately that wouldn't be the last time. I had a third miscarriage, and then a fourth, and a fifth. I remember the date of the miscarriage of all five of the babies I lost. I also remember their estimated due dates. I think about them all the time. I think about how old they should be, and imagine the things they would be doing. I imagine what they would look like and how they would smell. The pain that I feel every single day of my life is something I wouldn't wish on ANYONE.
My last miscarriage was on August 8th of 2008. That baby would have been due on April 20th. I had really hoped I would be pregnant again by now. I guess it wasn't meant to be. My period started this morning. 3 years....36 cycles. Still no baby. There are some days when I really wonder if it's ever going to happen. Or if I will still be sane if it does ever happen. I am really starting to have a very hard time dealing with everyone else getting pregnant and me not.
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