I love to paint. It's so relaxing. By painting....I am referring to painting walls. I don't have an artistic bone in my body when it comes to painting pictures. lol As long as I can remember I have always turned to painting as a way to relieve stress. My mom always did it, and it's something I picked up too. When my great grandmother died, my mom and I repainted most of the twelve rooms in our house....and part of the outside. It's how we deal with stress.
Yesterday my period started. Another cycle down the drain. On to cycle 37. I was so hopeful too. My chart had looked amazing...I didn't feel like I usually did when my period was about to start, my boobs were sore, I was nauseous. I was sure. Guess I was wrong. I decided to paint. The whole house needs repainted, but at the moment, I only have the paint for the trim. It's a bit backwards, but I decided to go ahead and do the trim in the dining room. I'll do the walls in few weeks when I have the paint.
While I was painting I had plenty of time to think. While I was painting I thought about my losses and the STUPID things people say when they don't know what to say. I think about the people who have told me that I should stop grieving for a baby I never held and be thankful for the two children I do have. How stupid is that. If my child had been 2 or 3 years old would I be told I wasn't allowed to grieve? I think about all the times that I have heard "at least it didn't happen later" or "be thankful you weren't further along". I get so annoyed. The death of a child is NEVER a reason to be thankful. Just because I didn't hold those babies in my arms does not mean that they weren't my children. I still mourn for those babies. I hate that people don't see that. I hate that no one acknowledges my babies. I realize that they just don't know what to say, and that when they say stupid things they are trying to say something helpful. For the most part, I try not to hold it against them. I am sure I've probably said my share of stupid things too.
That brings me to another STUPID thing that people say. And don't get fired up until I explain why it's so stupid. Someone who has gone through a loss hears these stupid comments day in and day out, and then they say, "I wish instead of always saying stupid things to me, (insert persons name) understood how I feel. I wish they knew how bad I am hurting." I'll admit. I've said it too. The reality is though.....I don't wish anyone knew how I felt. No one could possibly understand how I feel unless they have experienced a loss, and that is something I would never wish on anyone.
I do wish people were a little more aware of how the things they said hurt people. Maybe we should have to take a class in school that teaches us how to act when we are dealing with someone who has had a loss of any kind. The problem with that is that each person deals with losses differently. Some may want to ignore the loss and never mention it. Others may only want to talk about it at certain times. And still others (like me) just wish that people would simply say "I'm sorry that your baby died. Would you like to talk about it?" Let me tell you about my babies that I loved. My babies that I lost. My babies that I named. I know that to some people it is strange to name a baby that I only carried for a few weeks, but to me....it was something I had to do. I just wish that people would remember those babies. Help me remember them and acknowledge them on their angelversary. They don't get birthdays, and I generally don't even think much about their due dates.... maybe because I wasn't that far along.
I wish that people would just say to me "I'm thinking of you and Claire (or Garrett, Norma, Andrew or Alexander) today. If you want to talk about it, just let me know." Not likely to happen, but I wish it would.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Part Three
After my Dad died and we got through the funeral, I packed up his things and stored them at my mom's house (which is sitting empty and basically just a huge storage unit at the moment). I loaded up a rental car and headed home. It was time to go home. Matt had been struggling to pay the bills by himself, so I needed to get back to work......back to life.
I slowly got back into the swing of things, but I still felt numb. I was just numb clear through. The first bit of happiness came on May 8th. The day before my birthday, we found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited! Scared, but excited. The next day, it all came crashing down again. On by birthday. I couldn't believe that this was happening again.
Unfortunately that wouldn't be the last time. I had a third miscarriage, and then a fourth, and a fifth. I remember the date of the miscarriage of all five of the babies I lost. I also remember their estimated due dates. I think about them all the time. I think about how old they should be, and imagine the things they would be doing. I imagine what they would look like and how they would smell. The pain that I feel every single day of my life is something I wouldn't wish on ANYONE.
My last miscarriage was on August 8th of 2008. That baby would have been due on April 20th. I had really hoped I would be pregnant again by now. I guess it wasn't meant to be. My period started this morning. 3 years....36 cycles. Still no baby. There are some days when I really wonder if it's ever going to happen. Or if I will still be sane if it does ever happen. I am really starting to have a very hard time dealing with everyone else getting pregnant and me not.
I slowly got back into the swing of things, but I still felt numb. I was just numb clear through. The first bit of happiness came on May 8th. The day before my birthday, we found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited! Scared, but excited. The next day, it all came crashing down again. On by birthday. I couldn't believe that this was happening again.
Unfortunately that wouldn't be the last time. I had a third miscarriage, and then a fourth, and a fifth. I remember the date of the miscarriage of all five of the babies I lost. I also remember their estimated due dates. I think about them all the time. I think about how old they should be, and imagine the things they would be doing. I imagine what they would look like and how they would smell. The pain that I feel every single day of my life is something I wouldn't wish on ANYONE.
My last miscarriage was on August 8th of 2008. That baby would have been due on April 20th. I had really hoped I would be pregnant again by now. I guess it wasn't meant to be. My period started this morning. 3 years....36 cycles. Still no baby. There are some days when I really wonder if it's ever going to happen. Or if I will still be sane if it does ever happen. I am really starting to have a very hard time dealing with everyone else getting pregnant and me not.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Part Two.
I arrived in Iowa on March 2nd. I was exhausted. My car was so fully loaded with a cargo bag on top loaded to the point of nearly bursting at the seems and every spare inch of space inside the car used up too that I couldn't go much over 45 - 50 mph for the entire trip. around 19-20 hours of driving time with two small kids, by the time you add in food breaks, potty breaks, and time to just stretch their legs so they didn't drive me insane, the trip took us around 23 hours. I drove it straight through, by myself. All I wanted was sleep. Fortunately Matt understood and his parents were just so excited to have grandkids that they were more than willing to take two very wound up children out to a family members farm to show them off and let them work of some of that energy while I restored my energy.....with a nice long nap!
Matt and I did alot of talking the first couple of days and decided that we were both still on the same page. We wanted to get married, we wanted to have babies, and we wanted to do it right away.....we didn't care what anyone else thought. We only had one problem. Even though he hadn't seen or heard from her in over 2 years, Matt was still legally married. Even though she was living with some other man half way across the country, she thought it would be more fun to cause even more problems and refused to sign the divorce papers. We filed papers with courts, we paid fees to have her served with papers, we put ads in the classifieds of her hometown paper like we were supposed to and in September the judge finally signed to divorce decree, without Matt's ex ever acknowleging the proceedings.
We started talking about our wedding plans right away. We set a date, and the planning began. Almost one month after his divorce finalized, I had even more good news for Matt. I couldn't wait for him to get home so I could tell him. We were pregnant! I was thrilled beyond belief. I spent the day planning exactly how I would tell him and daydreaming about his reaction. It didn't go exactly the way I planned though. When he got home from work he found me curled up in a ball in the middle of the livingroom floor sobbing hysterically. I was having so horrible cramps, and bleeding. I knew it was over. The beautiful, lying pregnancy test was still in the bathroom on the counter, waiting to surprise him when he went in to take his shower like he always did after work. Instead of celebrating a new life, we spent the evening mourning the loss of a baby.
The miscarriage really messed with me. I didn't want to face Matt. I felt like I had failed him. The stress was taking it's toll on us both. I ended up finding an apartment and moving out. It didn't take long for me to realize what a HUGE mistake that I had made. I didn't figure he would ever forgive me, but he did. We didn't move right back in together immediately, but he was at my place more than he was at his own. By the beginning of December we decided to live together again, and we both were in love with my apartment, so he moved in there. Within days, I recieved more news that nearly shattered me. My father was sick. I needed to come home.
The engine in my car had gone out so I had no transportation. I had no money either and I didn't know what to do. My aunt offered to pay for the tickets for me and the kids to come out on Amtrak. Matt drove me to the train station and we said goodbye. It was less than two weeks until our first Christmas together. I spent a week with my Dad, and he seemed to be doing much better. We found out that his bladder cancer had returned, but he insisted that I take my kids home so that they could have a good Christmas. After all, he'd beaten this once, he'd do it again. We exchanged gifts, and then said our goodbyes with promises of a visit in the spring. When I got back to the train station in Iowa Matt was waiting to pick me up. He took my bags, dropped to one knee and proposed. We were officially engaged, with a ring and everything.
I talked to my Dad several times over the next week, and he assured me he was eating well and doing great. In reality....he wasn't. On December 29th, my aunt called and told me she had rushed my Dad back to the hospital. He'd been having seizure type activity, and they had found out that his cancer was not only back, but it had spread. Their were ruptures in his bladder and his bowels. Infection was spreading. His body was slowly shutting down. The only way to fix it was to do surgery and close the ruptures. The problem with that was that he was too weak to do the surgery. The didn't know if they could help him, and the didn't know if I could make it home in time to see him. The first available train was on January 2nd. This time, when I said goodbye to Matt, we had no idea how long I would be gone.
By the time that I made it to WV, they had found that my father's cancer had spread. His heart, lungs, bladder, bowels, stomach, kidnesy, brain and bones were all affected. They told us we should call the family in. There was nothing to do now except for to make him as comfortable as possible. On January 17th two things happened. My sister gave birth to a son early that morning, and that afternoon, with the help of hospice, I brought my Dad home. He seemed to be doing extremely well, considering his condition. I never would have imagined that we had less than a week.
Matt and I did alot of talking the first couple of days and decided that we were both still on the same page. We wanted to get married, we wanted to have babies, and we wanted to do it right away.....we didn't care what anyone else thought. We only had one problem. Even though he hadn't seen or heard from her in over 2 years, Matt was still legally married. Even though she was living with some other man half way across the country, she thought it would be more fun to cause even more problems and refused to sign the divorce papers. We filed papers with courts, we paid fees to have her served with papers, we put ads in the classifieds of her hometown paper like we were supposed to and in September the judge finally signed to divorce decree, without Matt's ex ever acknowleging the proceedings.
We started talking about our wedding plans right away. We set a date, and the planning began. Almost one month after his divorce finalized, I had even more good news for Matt. I couldn't wait for him to get home so I could tell him. We were pregnant! I was thrilled beyond belief. I spent the day planning exactly how I would tell him and daydreaming about his reaction. It didn't go exactly the way I planned though. When he got home from work he found me curled up in a ball in the middle of the livingroom floor sobbing hysterically. I was having so horrible cramps, and bleeding. I knew it was over. The beautiful, lying pregnancy test was still in the bathroom on the counter, waiting to surprise him when he went in to take his shower like he always did after work. Instead of celebrating a new life, we spent the evening mourning the loss of a baby.
The miscarriage really messed with me. I didn't want to face Matt. I felt like I had failed him. The stress was taking it's toll on us both. I ended up finding an apartment and moving out. It didn't take long for me to realize what a HUGE mistake that I had made. I didn't figure he would ever forgive me, but he did. We didn't move right back in together immediately, but he was at my place more than he was at his own. By the beginning of December we decided to live together again, and we both were in love with my apartment, so he moved in there. Within days, I recieved more news that nearly shattered me. My father was sick. I needed to come home.
The engine in my car had gone out so I had no transportation. I had no money either and I didn't know what to do. My aunt offered to pay for the tickets for me and the kids to come out on Amtrak. Matt drove me to the train station and we said goodbye. It was less than two weeks until our first Christmas together. I spent a week with my Dad, and he seemed to be doing much better. We found out that his bladder cancer had returned, but he insisted that I take my kids home so that they could have a good Christmas. After all, he'd beaten this once, he'd do it again. We exchanged gifts, and then said our goodbyes with promises of a visit in the spring. When I got back to the train station in Iowa Matt was waiting to pick me up. He took my bags, dropped to one knee and proposed. We were officially engaged, with a ring and everything.
I talked to my Dad several times over the next week, and he assured me he was eating well and doing great. In reality....he wasn't. On December 29th, my aunt called and told me she had rushed my Dad back to the hospital. He'd been having seizure type activity, and they had found out that his cancer was not only back, but it had spread. Their were ruptures in his bladder and his bowels. Infection was spreading. His body was slowly shutting down. The only way to fix it was to do surgery and close the ruptures. The problem with that was that he was too weak to do the surgery. The didn't know if they could help him, and the didn't know if I could make it home in time to see him. The first available train was on January 2nd. This time, when I said goodbye to Matt, we had no idea how long I would be gone.
By the time that I made it to WV, they had found that my father's cancer had spread. His heart, lungs, bladder, bowels, stomach, kidnesy, brain and bones were all affected. They told us we should call the family in. There was nothing to do now except for to make him as comfortable as possible. On January 17th two things happened. My sister gave birth to a son early that morning, and that afternoon, with the help of hospice, I brought my Dad home. He seemed to be doing extremely well, considering his condition. I never would have imagined that we had less than a week.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Welcome
Hey ya'll! Welcome to my blog. This is a place where I am going to share the story of my battle with secondary infertility...the good and the bad, my life as a mom to two children from a previous marriage and trying to make life between their two families run smoothly, and hopefully it will eventually be the place where I talk about starting all over with a baby and a preteen!
A little about us first. I am Stephanie, the mom of the bunch. I an very near to turning 29 years old. I grew up in West Virginia and lived there my entire life. During the summer between my Junior and Senior year in high school there was this guy. We all know the problems those can cause! lol This one ended up being the daddy to my two children and my first husband. Two weeks before I started my senior year in high school I found out I was pregnant with Sierra. One month before my 18th birthday, I had her on the first day of spring break my Senior year. Not exactly a day at the beach! Though I didn't realize it at the time (or until MUCH later) this was the day that I began my battle with secondary infertility.
I went on birth control shots for 6 months (a total of 2 shots) and then we decided to start trying again. It would be 2 1/2 years later before I was back in L&D. One month after my 21st birthday I gave birth to Will. I didn't really think much of it because my ex had a schedule that kept him away from home for a few days at a time. We did decide that there wouldn't be any birth control after Will's birth and we would just let nature take it's course. If we were supposed to have another baby soon, we would.
When Will was 3 1/2 and Sierra was 6 1/2 their father and I split up. Three and a half years and no other babies. That should have been a red flag, I didn't see it. Besides....we weren't really TRYING, we just hadn't PREVENTED anything.
For the next year I did the single mommy thing which every single mommy knows means working way more hours than any one person should have too....usually at a job that doesn't pay anywhere near enough, not getting to spend enough time with your kids, and wishing you had just a FEW more hours in your day. The one treat that I allowed myself daily was time on a message board that I had joined with a friend. It was really a dating site, but I made sure no one even tried. I clearly stated that my kids were number one. I said up front, in large bold print on my profile that if a guy was interested he had to come to me, and if things worked out he had to move.....I was staying put. Not negotiable.
Then one day there was this guy. UH-OH! We wanted to meet, but his car wouldn't make the trip from Iowa to West Virginia, so the trip would have to wait several months. Except I am impulsive and impatient and I decided to break my rule. UH-OH! I made the trip to Iowa and things went great! I had known beforehand that this was going to get serious. Now I knew I wanted to marry the guy. A couple of months later he came to West Virginia and by the end of that trip we were talking about someone moving. Remember....I was clear about this up front. My kids were rooted. It was the town I had lived in for the past 21 years. So of course....I packed up my car and moved! lol He did have a much better paying job with room for advancement, while I was ....well, working in a fast food joint. I could find that anywhere!
Stay tuned......we still have three years to cover just to get to today!
A little about us first. I am Stephanie, the mom of the bunch. I an very near to turning 29 years old. I grew up in West Virginia and lived there my entire life. During the summer between my Junior and Senior year in high school there was this guy. We all know the problems those can cause! lol This one ended up being the daddy to my two children and my first husband. Two weeks before I started my senior year in high school I found out I was pregnant with Sierra. One month before my 18th birthday, I had her on the first day of spring break my Senior year. Not exactly a day at the beach! Though I didn't realize it at the time (or until MUCH later) this was the day that I began my battle with secondary infertility.
I went on birth control shots for 6 months (a total of 2 shots) and then we decided to start trying again. It would be 2 1/2 years later before I was back in L&D. One month after my 21st birthday I gave birth to Will. I didn't really think much of it because my ex had a schedule that kept him away from home for a few days at a time. We did decide that there wouldn't be any birth control after Will's birth and we would just let nature take it's course. If we were supposed to have another baby soon, we would.
When Will was 3 1/2 and Sierra was 6 1/2 their father and I split up. Three and a half years and no other babies. That should have been a red flag, I didn't see it. Besides....we weren't really TRYING, we just hadn't PREVENTED anything.
For the next year I did the single mommy thing which every single mommy knows means working way more hours than any one person should have too....usually at a job that doesn't pay anywhere near enough, not getting to spend enough time with your kids, and wishing you had just a FEW more hours in your day. The one treat that I allowed myself daily was time on a message board that I had joined with a friend. It was really a dating site, but I made sure no one even tried. I clearly stated that my kids were number one. I said up front, in large bold print on my profile that if a guy was interested he had to come to me, and if things worked out he had to move.....I was staying put. Not negotiable.
Then one day there was this guy. UH-OH! We wanted to meet, but his car wouldn't make the trip from Iowa to West Virginia, so the trip would have to wait several months. Except I am impulsive and impatient and I decided to break my rule. UH-OH! I made the trip to Iowa and things went great! I had known beforehand that this was going to get serious. Now I knew I wanted to marry the guy. A couple of months later he came to West Virginia and by the end of that trip we were talking about someone moving. Remember....I was clear about this up front. My kids were rooted. It was the town I had lived in for the past 21 years. So of course....I packed up my car and moved! lol He did have a much better paying job with room for advancement, while I was ....well, working in a fast food joint. I could find that anywhere!
Stay tuned......we still have three years to cover just to get to today!
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