I know that there are people out there that have been trying much longer than I have. I know that there are people who have gone through so much more than I have on this journey. What I don't know is how they do it. The past three years has taken so much out of me and turned me into a very bitter and angry person. I don't know how to change that either. I don't like it, but I can't change it. Right now should be one of the happiest time in my life. I mean....we are buying our first home I made it to one of my big goals. Homeowner before the age of 30. I did it, and I should be happy. Instead, all I can think about is the fact that I still don't have a baby yet. At least not here with me. I have six babies in heaven.
I feel broken and I don't know how to fix it. The doctors say it's just bad luc and that it likely won't happen again, but then it does. It happens again every single time and they can't tell me why. There is no reason that has been found (yet anyway). All my tests are normal so far so there is nothing I can do to "fix" the problem.I don't know how to deal with that. When there is a problem I want to know what it is and how to fix it so that I can do whatever it takes to correct the problem. When noone can tell me how to do that, I don't know....it seems impossible to deal with. I am terrified to keep trying because I am so afraid that I am going to just continue to have one miscarriage after another, and I really think even one more might push me over the edge. I am just as afraid to stop trying though because I don't know that I can face never having another baby. Yes, I have two great kids, and I am forever grateful for them, but I really thought I would have a housefull of babies by now. Then I survived infidelity and a divorce that put those plans on hold for a while and now that I have found someone else, now I am struggling with something I didn't even know existed.
Secondary Infertility
How can you be infertile when you have already had kids? How is it that your body just forgets how to stay pregnant? Getting pregnant isn't a problem. I've proven that. 6 pregnancies in 3 years proves that getting pregnant definitely isn't an issue. Staying that way is a whole different story though. I guess it's time to try to do more research. Find more information to print off....more tests to have the doctor run. I should have went to medical school! Then I could just order my own tests and not have to pay obsene amounts of money to my reproductive endocrinologist.
Steph, I don't don't have a magic formula for not being bitter, but I wish I did. I can't relate to the number of angels you have experienced, but the time line I can definitely relate to. I keep trying to tell myself God isn't mad at me. I know He isn't mad at you either. He isn't spiteful. But other than that, I don't know. I just want to give you big HUGS.
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